The McDonald’s Characters: Where Are They Now?
Every American child that grew up post-1963 can probably recall the various McDonald’s characters better than their friend’s names or what Santa brought them at Christmas. You’ve got to hand it to old Ray Krock; his company sure can market to children. Have you ever wondered what happened to the happy fast-food-loving characters of McDonaldland? Well folks, wonder no longer. After months of exhaustive research and weekends spent searching through happy meals, we are proud to present, for the first time ever, an exclusive report of where the McDonald’s characters are today.
Mayor McCheese, former Mayor of McDonaldland, was riding high in the mid-eighties with an approval rating of 89% through his third term. After failing to be elected to both the Senate and the House, however, McCheese was caught on camera blaming his failure on a certain minority group (the Fry Kids). McCheese enjoyed a resurgence in popularity in 2009, when the Tea Party considered naming him their official spokesperson. Edged out by Sarah Palin, he now spends his time as a public speaker at community colleges, professing the evils of bipartisanship.
Grimace, (born “Evil Grimace“) originally had four arms and existed solely to steal McDonald’s shakes and reek havoc in McDonaldland. Following months of counseling and a groundbreaking surgery that removed his extra pair of arms, Grimace became the happy-go-lucky character that we are familiar with today. After his proposal to Birdie (see below) was rejected, however, Grimace snapped. He immediately went to the state records office and officially changed his name back to Evil Grimace, and is currently spending every waking moment advertising on Craigslist, where he hopes to find a doctor willing to re-attach his two other arms. (Apparently he has saved them all these years.)
Birdie, the first female citizen of McDonaldland, enjoyed a decade of the most sought-after spokesperson for numerous feminist organizations throughout the United States. Though she is the only McDonaldland character with wings, she was never the best flyer; a detail which paved the way to her demise. Struggling with a tough break-up (with Grimace), Birdie decided that the best way to assert her independence was to soar through the air once and for all. After training for weeks Rocky Balboa-style, she invited the press to an event at the Grand Canyon. Dressed in a white jumpsuit affixed with stars and stripes, she stood atop a 5 story tower with skateboard in hand. The second she soared off the launching ramp, however, all in attendance knew that it was the last “flight” of their fearless Birdie.
The Hamburgler’s beginnings are strangely similar to that of Grimace. His life prior to making friends with Ronald and crew consisted of crime, greed and yes, kleptomania. With his fame waning in the mid-nineties, The Hamburgler decided to take some time off. He toured most of the world, and even briefly served as the U.S.’s ambassador to the Germany. Feeling his life lacked purpose, however, he stopped attending his K.A. (kleptomaniacs anonymous) meetings, and immediately relapsed. He has since spent his life in and out of jail, serving time for stealing everything from Big Macs to Quarter Pounders. The proof that his kleptomania is tragically severe? He doesn’t even eat the hamburgers that he steals; he is a vegetarian.
The man that started it all. Ronald, always aware of the public eye, has kept his image squeaky clean… or so it would seem. In reality, Ronald is responsible for 95% of the world’s arms trade, and much of the violence of the past thirty years. Fully aware that bombs bring more revenue than Big Macs, Ronald uses the cover of his international fast food restaurant to transport a never-ending supply of nuclear warheads, always to the highest bidder. Ronald has also planted several politicians within Washington D.C., with the intent of keeping his military industrial machine alive. His most recent endeavors included adding a new sandwich to the McDonald’s menu and seizing control of Libya. His unwavering empire of greed and dishonesty truly knows no bounds.