Skip to content

“So, What’s Your New Year’s Resolution?”

December 28, 2010

vintage_new_years.jpg

I imagine that, at a certain point in time, New Year’s resolutions meant something; maybe they helped create better men and women, goal-oriented go-getters with low cholesterol and a size 30 waist? Whether or not there ever was a time when New Year’s resolutions were worth their weight in beans, every new year millions of Americans make, and break, resolutions about  weight loss, smoking, credit card debt, etc. Research done a few years ago concluded that 80% of New Year’s resolutions are broken by Valentine’s Day, which proves that either a) we stink at setting goals, b) we stink at keeping goals, or c) we stink at both. I promise that my unabashed cynicism is not without purpose; stay with me.

Part of the problem with the New Year’s resolution is that they are expected. “So, what’s your New Year’s resolution?” has become a go-to conversation starter from late December through mid-January, and replying “I don’t have one” is akin to saying “I don’t value self-betterment”. Since “the question” will probably be asked of you sometime over the next few weeks, I thought it might be useful to think of some answers that don’t require any sort of commitment; thus you save face and at the same time avoid becoming one of the undedicated 80%.

“So what’s your New Year’s resolution?”
31 Flavors. Every single one.

“So what’s your New Year’s resolution?”
Convince congress to extend the health care bill to zombies and family of zombies.

“So what’s your New Year’s resolution?”
Waste a copious amount of time on Facebook.

“So what’s your New Year’s resolution?”
It’s time that I fill you in; I’m from the future. I’m your future (son/daughter). My New Year’s resolution is to make sure you and (dad/mom) go to prom together so that I can be born.

“So what’s your New Year’s resolution?”
Memorize things. Anything.

“So what’s your New Year’s resolution?”
Remember that one show, The Jetsons? Something related to that.

“So what’s your New Year’s resolution?”
Expose myself to gradually increasing doses of radiation until I become the next member of the X-Men.

“So what’s your New Year’s resolution?”
The exact opposite of yours.

Advertisements
No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: