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Conquer Black Friday!

November 23, 2010
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Just two days from now will find most of us sprawled on the couch in a turkey-induced coma. Yes, America loves Thanksgiving, but it also loves Black Friday. This day-after-thanksgiving holiday was invented to encourage American’s to get up early and do some Christmas shopping. Sure, it’s about as commercial as days come, but the fact of the matter is there are a lot of super good deals only available to those willing to get up early and brave the crowds. There’s nothing better than scoring some points by giving someone an awesome Christmas present, except maybe if the present was purchased at a tremendous discount. This guide will provide some tips on how to maximize the marvelous commercialism that is Black Friday.

Step 1 – Inform Yourself

This used to mean collecting newspaper ads; ha! Thanks to the internet, you can easily browse hundreds of Black Friday advertisements without the murder of a single tree. A good place to check out is BLACKFRIDAY.NET.

Step 2 – Focus

You can’t just run around the store spastically; you must be focused! Decide on two or three gifts that you are shooting for, and be sure to choose the items that are likely to be marked down the most. Next, decide which store to visit first, second, etc. Once stores are decided upon, visit each one and take note of the store’s layout; then draw a map with X’s at points of interest.

Step 3  – Arise Early

The early shopper gets the deal. Instead of waking up early, why go to bed in the first place? Spend the night meditating on your forthcoming savings; or better yet do some yoga to prepare your body for the inevitable running and diving.

Step 4 – Camp out

Get to the store at least an hour before the doors open. Remember that each person also camping out is now the enemy; use the time before the doors open to apply any mode of intimidation necessary. Options include pushups, knife sharpening, or air boxing. To increase the effectiveness of each of these activities do them without shoes on; sure it’s likely to be freezing, but the intimidation factor is easily worth it.

Step 5 – Charge!

The second the door opens, take no prisoners! Elbows are your best friend at this moment; swing them like crazy. Keeping in mind your pre-drawn maps, head directly for your target items. Always take double the amount that you really want; the extras can be used for bargaining later.

Step 6 – Celebrate and Repeat

Remember, the show isn’t over yet. To affirm your status as Black Friday warrior, raise your bounty over your head and scream something like, “Yes! It’s mine!” at the top of your lungs. Then immediately proceed to your next target item, store, etc. Make no eye contact.

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